I wrote a post a while back, lamenting the fact that I felt like I had nothing I was passionate about. I enjoy a wide variety of activities, but I couldn't think of that one thing that I was good at and could pursue as my "dream." While I have spent much of the last two years distracting myself from this, there have been a few events in the past couple of weeks that have thrown it all right back in my face.
I'm now more than a month into my new job. It is a world of difference from my previous job. The people I work with are great. They are all around my age, one currently exploring online dating, one getting married this weekend, another just about to have a baby. More importantly, I am actually being kept busy. I spent the last two or three months at my old job doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was killing me. Leaving that place was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time. And this new job is a significant improvement. But it is not quite everything I was hoping for. It definitely keeps me busier, but I can't really say that it keeps me engaged. I feel like I've already gotten over the learning curve. I've learned the processes and the programs and I already feel.... comfortable. Which, to me, is a death sentence when it comes to work. I thrive on that slight stress that keeps me on my toes and keeps me always working harder. I've already gone beyond that in the first month here. Luckily the woman having a baby is leaving some of her work for me, but I'm not sure how long that will keep me challenged.
While all of this has been going on, there have been some other big happenings. For one, I'm seeing someone. Someone different from the others that I've dated in the past (notice not a single one has ever been mention on my blog before!). We've been together now for three months and things have been going great. Then we found out he is going to be deployed in June. Aside from the fact that this comes at a terrible time in our relationship, this news, combined with my slight apathy towards my job, has had a somewhat greater effect on me than I anticipated.
As sad as I am going to be to see him go and as much of a strain as I know this will be on our very young relationship, it has brought up a terrible feeling of jealousy. It's not that I want to go live in the Kuwaiti desert for 9 months, but instead I'm jealous of his passion for what he is doing and what he knows he wants to do in the future. He's one of the least military-like people you could meet (or at least that is how he would describe himself), but he knows what he wants to do in the future and he knows what he needs to do to get there. And I am extremely jealous of this. He is a few months away from what might be one of the greatest adventures of his life, and I'm settling down into another dissatisfying job. Jealousy is ugly and I hate feeling this way.
So what can I do about it? After moping and being whiny for two weeks I really started trying to look inside myself for a solution to this problem. And I think it really comes back to my lack of passion. There is nothing that I think about all day, eager to finish my work to get home to. There is nothing that I would consider my "dream." No goal that I am actively working towards every day.
I realized recently though that this simply is not true. There has been one thing in my life for as long as I can remember. My dedication towards it tends to come and go (and sometimes goes for months at a time) and yet I always find myself coming back to it. Ironically, it really has been right in front of my face this whole time.
I still have an old tattered folder with my first story I remember writing. I was in the fourth grade and it involved a young girl who's entire town was abducted by aliens. I have folders on my computer of the beginnings of stories, including two stories that I feel actually have potential and I have a significant portion of completed. Thinking back to my favorite courses in high school they were easily the three semesters of creative writing I took. Even my major in college (history) was mainly chosen due to my love of the stories (and I probably thought I'd be better off with a history degree than an English degree. Ha!). And on top of all of that, this silly little blog that I've somehow managed to keep up for over 7 years now. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I realize not having a passion is not my problem. My problem is a lack of drive and motivation. So now it's just a matter of overcoming that. Which, in reality, shouldn't be that hard. I pretty much live on a college campus so I'll be shocked if I can't find some type of creative writing course. Really anything that may get my creativity flowing.
Writing may never be something I can depend on for money, but I believe it's something that I could become completely absorbed in. Those I've shared my stories and ideas with have always provided positive feedback. Even this blog (which more often than not is just my own stream of consciousness) has always been encouraged by others.
So, instead of sitting here feeling like I'm wasting away at a dead end job, I am going to actively try to pursue this. A small amount of accountability may be exactly what I need to take writing from something I just do when I am bored, to something I turn to as soon as I get home from work.
Just coming here today has made a world of difference in my mood that has been bad for far too long.
I am positive that I am going to go through days of writing nothing to those days of not lifting my fingers from the keyboard, but I know I have plenty of things to write, so if it is as simple as finding something to increase my motivation, what am I waiting for?
|My Valentine's Day gift from the boy... |
very fitting for one of my stories.