Friday, May 16, 2014

I haven't kept a handwritten journal in years.  I sometimes have thoughts that are a little too personal to be posted on the internet, but I know whatever journal I try to start will just go months between entries.  This is going to be one of those posts that is maybe a little too personal (and definitely too cheesy) but considering there are a whopping two or three people that even read this blog, I kind of think of it as my personal diary anyway. 

I wouldn't consider myself an experienced dater, but I've been on my fair share of dates and experienced quite a variety of guys.  There have been pluses and minus to all of them, but for the most part I always blamed things not working out on myself.  Even with the few guys that I dated for 3+ months, I always felt quiet, awkward, and kind of uncomfortable.  It was never anything the guy said or did, I just felt like I wasn't really comfortable around other people.  I actually started to wonder if maybe I just wasn't designed to be with another person long term.

Of course, when I'm with my friends or family, and in what I would consider my most "natural" state, I tend to be loud, obnoxious, chatty, argumentative, funny (or I think so at least).  I make lots of weird noises, talk in funny accents, and strut around my house like a dinosaur.  In my most natural state I would say I'm pretty entertaining. Some might even say I'm a catch.

And yet for some reason this never seemed to come out around guys I was dating.  I always blamed this on myself just being awkward, but  it wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I realized it was never me.  There wasn't anything inherently wrong with any of these guys (well maybe some of them), but none of them were ever able to draw my true self out.  It was never that I was just innately nervous or quiet, but instead I was just waiting for someone that would actually appreciate (or at least tolerate) my natural state.

I'm not sure what that says about either of us, but I know it makes me feel pretty damn good.  I'm sure if you asked him he say that he wished some of my natural state went back into hiding.


  1. I need to start writing my own blog again (#laziness)! It's amazing how when you are with someone and it's going well how different it feels to all those other less than stellar dates! I haven't noticed any running posts, are you still in training?

    1. I got injured in October just before my second half marathon so I took a break for a while. That led into one of the worst winters I can remember so it ended up being a pretty big break. The weather is finally nice again so, slowly but surely, I'm starting to run again. I'm not sure if I'll do many training posts but I'm happy to be back at it even if I feel like i'm starting from scratch!

  2. we tend to think the worst of ourselves, aren't we? i'm trying to stop blaming myself for almost everything - work, life, etc etc etc. i'm so glad you've already overcome that.